A few weeks ago, my brother texted me, asking if I wanted to play(in my case, learn) Dungeons and Dragons. I said “sure!” I can’t remember what got me started on it but I’ve been listening to the Drunks and Dragons Podcast for about a month now (I started at the very beginning guys, I’ve got about 6 years to catch up on) and I’ve been really enjoying that, so yeah, I think playing myself would be a lot of fun; especially if it means Bro has to spend time with me more!
My #1 problem (not just in this case, but always) is that I work third shift. Which means my life is being lived in a very backwards, strange way. Because of my sleep schedule, my free-time window is pretty limited, and if we end up playing I’ll probably have to Skype or something because that would save a ton of time on driving for me.
So! First, being a lady of this Millennia, I Googled how to Dungeons and Dragons. I didn’t have a clue where to start, and I didn’t want to shame myself by admitting to my little brother that I don’t actually know everything. I’ve made sure for over 20 years that he believes I am an expert on everything, and I couldn’t do anything that might cause him to think otherwise.
After being immediately overwhelmed by EDITIONS and VERSIONS and EXPANSIONS-I’m 40 years late to the party-I texted my brother. My first question was “Which edition?” Like I knew what the question meant. I was asking leading questions, trying to get him to give me answers to things I didn’t even know I needed to ask. Also, I was demonstrating my knowledge. See? I knew there were editions! I’m like basically an expert. Then, I asked if he had the book/could I borrow it. He said “SURE!!” with the same enthusiasm that he has for everything I’ve ever seen him do, and sent me a PDF of the entire 300+ page book by text for me to read on my itty bitty phone screen, with my 31 year old eyeballs.
While I sat on break at work I Googled Dungeons and Dragons (insert edition) races. Because in my head you pick your race first; it made sense to me, and I still think that’s right. I think? I decided on Tiefling! I toyed with Yuan-Ti for a bit (I can’t remember why though, because a lot of my life is a blurry memory from the coffee shakes I seem to always have) but settled on Tiefling, because based on my Google-ing, Yuan-Ti are always evil, and I didn’t want to box my character in and put a label on her!
Ok, as I was writing this, I realized that my phone ->my Google account. I just sent the PDF to my Google Drive, maybe I can read it on my computer! I’m such a dummy guys.
Alright, so I text Bro that I’m thinking Tiefling. You should know, dear readers, that my brother is enthusastic about EVERYTHING he likes and he likes pretty much everything. It is at this point that he texts me a paragraph about subclasses and legality and Unearthed Arcana, which is a thing I haven’t Googled yet. I’m pretty relieved this conversation is happening over text because I’m sure the cluelessness was showing in my facial expression. I’m still at this point convincing myself that my facade of Sisterly Omniscience is A Thing Bro believes, so a clueless expression in person would be unacceptable on my part.
So I just skip over the subclass/legitimate rule adds/whatever is Unearthed Arcana, and start to read this book (on my phone screen, my poor eyes). My response to Bro (roughly 4 hours later) was that I liked Bard and the idea of Barding around doing Bard things. Then he asks me some questions I have answers for! Hair color? Eye and skin color? What’s his or her name?! Then he asks what instruments my character has; she can have three to begin with. Guess what I picked. You’ll never guess!! One of them was the bagpipes!! The instrument of a Chaotic being if ever there was one, don’t you think so?
Next I’m coming up with a backstory, and I have ideas. Some of them are influenced by the Lego Ninjago Movie I watched recently with my cub, but those ideas are adaptations. Really it can’t even be called “borrowing” ideas because no one would see that connection unless I said “(things about my character), just like (character) in The Lego Ninjago Movie.” which means that they are totally different guys, so don’t @ me or however you say that.
Next day, I’m home alone with my cub. The cub is three and into everything. The cub is really great at entertaining itself and is pretty independent, until it senses someone in its vicinity trying to concentrate on something. When it senses such a thing, the cub is drawn to that person and place like the cub just rolled a Natural 20 on its dungeoneering check (I heard it on a Podcast once, I think it’s a thing).
I’ve gotten to the part of the book where you roll for your modifiers. While I try to read on my tiny phone screen with my awful eyeballs, the cub wants to see too, and Mom why isn’t this a video, and where are the pictures? The cub quickly loses interest in my phone (because the cub has plenty, and I mean Plenty with a capital P for penguin, of toys). I eventually discern that the book is telling me I need to roll 4 six-sided dice, and then add the 3 highest numbers, and do that 6 times. In a non-DnD household, at first I’m all four dice seems like a lot. Can I roll the same die 4 times, write the numbers down, add them and then do that…36 times? I glance to my cub and think no. Probably that won’t work. So like any good Girl Scout I decided to improvise and scrounge up some dice from the closet where all the games are! Mix and match, they don’t have to look the same, just have the same number of sides! I open up the closet and see exactly zero games with dice. Not even Monopoly. Trivial Pursuit and a bunch of card games, puzzle games, games with timers, all kinds of games but nothing with dice!
I’m about to give up and then I see a black case on its side; I pull it out and Yahtzee!! That has like five dice! Awesome! And of course, as soon as the game leaves the closet, the cub’s radar kicks in, and the cub knows something interesting might be occurring.
I sit down on the living room floor, because the cub is going to want to see anyway, so I’ll make it easy for us both. The cub follows close behind with a “Mom what’s that” and I reply as I unzip the case that it’s a game! Well, the cub wants to play too! And of course you can, I say, because there is an extra die in here and a whole bunch of yellow chips that might be for keeping score, I’ve never actually played this game I don’t think. The cub takes the chips and the die and shuttles them away quickly, like a magpie stealing my aluminum foil, and seems enthralled.
He’s not going to put them in his mouth. Stop it. Just because the chips and die are little doesn’t mean MY CUB is going to put things in its mouth so just stop. My cub is smart. My cub doesn’t do dumb shit like that. And if my cub ever did, I wouldn’t tell you!
When I start trying to roll, suddenly it’s like trying to play with vanishing dice from Harry Potter; as soon as the dice hit the ground a chubby little hand snatches them away. Eventually the cub meets me halfway here; he “hleps” me count the dots on the dice, and I even let him roll them a few times. This should be legal because he is my cub, and I made the cub in my own actual body so THOSE ROLLS ARE MINE TOO.
After I(we) roll the numbers I stall out. I’m really overwhelmed now because why is wisdom a thing that is different from intelligence and what is charisma for? I give in. I text Bro. I ask for help. It’s been 2 decades, I guess it’s time that he learns his big sister doesn’t know everything after all. Cat’s outta the bag now! He says he’ll help next time we hang out. I picked out spells for level one, and I’m pretty sure I got it right! If this happens it’ll be a thing! Wish us luck!
fluffymankillr 