Babies Again

I left off after the birth of cub 1. Now I’ll tell the story of the birth of cub 2! I’ll call cub 1 the bear and cub 2 the badger, which is what their grandma has dubbed them.

The story of the badgers birth begins on a Friday morning after work. I have an obgyn appointment and an ultrasound to see how big baby is. Baby is quite large. The doctor tells me this baby could already weigh 8 lbs and I am 5 days out from my due date and only maybe 2 or 3 centimeters dilated. Then the doctor tells me how fast the baby will grow (fast as a watermelon shaped bamboo shoot). Do I want to go the normal birth route and wait the badger out or schedule an induction for a few days after my due date to prevent me giving birth to a 12 pound baby. I schedule an induction for a week after my due date and go eat some spicy food.

Over the weekend my husband goes to Redbox and I see the Ghostbusters remake for cheap and tell him to get that. We also rented the “live action(?)” Lion King. The Lion King was…fine. But. BUT. We watched Ghostbusters on Sunday night. I laughed so hard, so much, I almost peed my pants for the first time in 2 full term pregnancies. It was a near thing.

Anyway, I can tell you that I truly believe very funny movies are a great way to induce labor because the next day, Monday, at dinner time, I was having contractions. Now if you will recall, I was burned in my last labor with the bear. I went to the hospital with contractions and they sent me home. So I started timing. They tell you, don’t go in until you have minute-long contractions that are less than 5 minutes apart. Mine were being about 45 seconds long but were every 4 or so minutes. I was NOT getting sent home again so I decided that meant it wasn’t time yet. I did decide I wouldn’t be able to work through these contractions like I did with the bear.

So I send my husband to work without me, and if anything progresses I’ll text him and he can meet me at the hospital. Then, I try to rest. I fell asleep and had a dream where small woodland creatures tore their way out of my spine and then stabbed me in the stomach. We decided it was time to go to the hospital. My mom drove me while I timed my contractions; they still were not a minute long, but they were getting closer together. My dad stayed with the bear who slept through everything.

When we got to the hospital I had told my husband we were going but I still was not convinced we would be staying. I left my suitcase in the car I was so convinced they would kick me out again. They did not.

I had gone from 2 centimeters to 8.5 over the weekend and the contraction-tracker told the nurse that I would be allowed to stay. Yay! I am told my husband “zoomed” out of the parking lot at work. At the hospital I already decided that I would have another epidural again please. So in comes the anesthesiologist. Or maybe his apprentice, I am not sure. I had signed everything they put in front of me and he stabbed my spine once. Nothing happened.

Now, I could not see what actually happened back there because I’m not an owl so I cannot see behind me. But I can guess. He wiggled it. He jiggled it. The big tube of numb stuck in my spine was doing nothing for me. He kept asking if I could feel which side it was on. No but shouldn’t it be numb and shouldn’t it be in the fucking middle?? Is what I thought. Instead he kept saying which side is it on? And I kept saying I don’t know. Thinking back now maybe he wasn’t talking to me but it doesn’t make sense for him to be asking anyone else there either.

After more wiggling and jiggling by this clown he decided to try another spot lower down my back. Whatever man, just get this shit done I.AM.BUSY.

So he sticks me with the giant needle again. And again which side is it on which side? Only this time, I feel the plastic tube and it seems to be rubbing in the inside of my vertebrae which is unsettling as hell. Then a shooting pain goes down one of my legs and I YELL ” STOP STOP SOMETHING IS WRONG”. I try to explain what I felt and I get silence from behind me. After a few decades, or maybe about 30 seconds, it depends on who you ask, he decides he would like to go back to that first hole in my spine and try that again. Fine, but NO TIP FOR YOU MAN.

Luckily for his good health, I finally go numb.

After I am suitably numbed up, the nurse notices that badger is face up too, just like the bearcub had been. This time, they have this weird kickball-shaped device they put between my knees, and they roll me onto my side. This is going to get badger to roll over so baby is face down. This is also around the time my water breaks. I am able to feel the pop, and my legs warm and wet. I am not as numb as I was with the bear cub. I push the button to increase the numb juice but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. It hurts less, but it isn’t the nice peaceful process it was with bearcub.

Badger rolls over, the nurse has called the doctor 3 times, and she has been ” on her way” each time.it gets to the point that the nurse tells me we might do this sans doctor, unless she is literally in the parking lot, because badger is coming NOW.

I am pushing, it hurts like a bitch, I think I even actually yell in pain once. I never did that with bearcub. As the doctor walks in and they are tying her smock thing on,she catches the badger. Baby is here! And as soon as they hand badger over, I get peed on. No one can believe how strong their neck is, baby is holding up their head and looking around and is pissed, like anyone would be in that situation I am sure. I was in labour for about than 10 hours. Much better than going on for days like with bearcub.

That should be the end of the story, and for the badger it mostly is. Healthy angry baby, no problem. I was the one who had the next awful adventure on my own. That very night.